I’m starting a new activity: visiting Universities with my oldest son. He’ll be finishing high school this year and is trying to decide where he wants to go to school next year. When I was his age it never occurred to me to visit a school. I felt I could learn everything I needed to learn from a brochure but my son is different from me. He wants to absorb the feel of the campus and have a first-hand look at the facilities before he makes his decision. What will be difficult for me as a parent is knowing when to speak and when not to so that he makes his own decisions.
The when-to-shut-up problem is the same problem that managers encounter when coaching or mentoring at work. When coaching, it’s often much better to allow the coachee to brainstorm, and evaluate their options, rather than imposing the coach’s perspective. Telling people what to do or doing it for them is not coaching. It’s very ackward because coaches and mentors are often chosen for the experience they have. Denying that experience can be difficult to do but sometimes it’s for the best.
In this case my son needs to make his own decisions. He needs to develop the criteria by which he can evaluate his options. I am helping by suggesting a few things, and by asking a few leading questions but I can’t answer those questions for him. Providing my opinions all the time would be imposing my help. So I’ve been working on asking open-ended questions and asking about decision criteria. I have even suggested he develop a budget. Mostly I am practicing at nodding a lot. It’s a little difficult, because I have strong opinions but I’m getting better at it.
If you’re coaching someone, make sure you think about when to speak and when to be quiet. It may not be difficult for you but make a conscious decision for the good of the coaching relationship and for the coachee. It’s worth it in the long run.
